Keep My Kid’s Fingers Out of Your Mouth

My thirteen month old is pretty social. It may take a minute for her to give you the once over, but after that, you have become her new best friend.

She also loves food. And snacks. And as much as I try to remember to clean her hands before giving her a snack…well, I’m not perfect. 

She is also lazy. She’s perfectly capable of walking, and will as long as you give her the tiniest piece of fabric or the tip of your smallest finger to latch on to. But most often, she tears around the house on all fours. And she especially loves it when you do the same. 

Since having her I have instituted a ‘no shoes in the house rule’ that I force my husband to follow, and now that the little-getting big one is crawling, I have asked friends and family to respect that rule. Well, I hung a sign. And it works for the most part. 

I vacuum as much as the next mom of three kids under thirteen months. My floors aren’t disgusting, but they have their own fair share of crumbs, cat fur and carpet fuzzies. I take comfort in knowing that it’s inside dirt she’s crawling in and eating, and not what was tracked in on someone’s shoes. Needless to say, when my little one decides she wants to eat, she has all sorts of things stuck to her sweaty hands.

Basically, her hands are pretty dirty. And when you pick her up, she will try and stick her fingers in your mouth. Why? She thinks it’s hilarious. She also tries to poke her twin baby sisters’ eyes out. She’s not generally known for her good choices.

Now, my issue here isn’t that she will get your mouth dirty with her hands. 
It’s that YOUR mouth is dirty.

You are not entitled to let her put her fingers in your mouth because at some point they will end up back in hers. I know what germs I have. Those that come from shopping at Target once a week because it’s basically all I do. The rest of the time I am here with my three kids. I STILL won’t let her put her fingers in my mouth. It’s disgusting. Just because she is a child doesn’t make it any less so. 

I grew this kid and pushed her out of my vagina. I’m entitled to spit on my finger and wipe food off her face. I’m also entitled to feed her off my fork and let her drink out of my cup. She’s my daughter.

You are not entitled to any of it, no matter what your relationship to me or her. Don’t eat her food, even if she continuously shoves it in your face because she wants to share. Do what the rest of us sane people do and say “num num num” as you pretend to take a bite. Don’t actually bite her pretzel. That’s gross. Now she is going to finish her food and have all your germs too.

And she is never so thirsty that you can’t get up and find her cup rather than offer her yours. 

I can’t control crazy anti-vaxxers or someone sneezing on us when we go out, but I will stop you if you persist in spreading your mouth germs to my child. You are the adult and you can control the situation. Please, make her cry. I would rather comfort my whiny child than throw up as I watch you eat a soggy goldfish out of her hand.

And I wouldn’t recommend getting too close to her anyway; she’s a biter. 


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