Shit I Said Before Kids

Yup. I’m one of those. I knew a LOT about life with kids before I had them.

Nope. Completely off my rocker. I had NO idea.

I said a lot of stuff before I had kids. And I was pretty much talking out of my ass.

So here’s a list of shit I said before I had kids.

Enjoy my stupidity.

1. It’s ridiculous to let your kid play on your phone/iPad/computer.

Well guess what? Toddlers kinda suck sometimes. They will kiss you and hug you and play noses and then instantly become inhabited by a demonic force so powerful you want to cry. TAKE MY PHONE!!! DELETE MY APPS!!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY JUST STOP SCREAMING!!!

2. When I have kids I won’t stay home all the time. I’ll still have a life.
Nope. I’m fucking exhausted. And I’m broke. These little bastard cost a LOT of money. And I don’t have the time or the patience to dictate directions for three kids under the age of two to a babysitter. And what will I do the entire time I’m out? Worry that something is breaking, or that someone just came down with in incurable illness or the house is burning down and the fire extinguisher is still in the box.

Dinner. That’s about all I’m good for these days.

3. What kind of moron puts their kid on a leash?

A smart one. A very smart one who ain’t got time for no crazy ass running demon toddler. An awesome Momma with big cojones. Not little nardles. I see you mom with a kid on a leash. I envy your, “I don’t give a shit what people think,” attitude.

4. My kids are going to eat healthy. I mean if they start eating vegetables, they’ll like them.

Already tired of fighting this fight. If she won’t eat the vegetables, fine. She can drink a stupid squeeze pouch with fruit and veggies. And yes, she better pick up those McDonalds chicken nuggets from the dirt because when she goes to sleep, mom’s eating those. Yum.

5. I will never ever get a minivan.

Fuckin, A, minivans are the shit! Just come over and take a ride in this sweet ass mom-mobile. Wanna watch a movie in the backseat? Go for it! Just grab those wireless headphones, adjust the temp to your liking, and enjoy the show! Don’t worry, I’ll open that door for you with my super awesome button. Want to keep your water cold? Put it right here in my cold box that’s temperature controlled by the AC unit. Want to sync your phone and make a hands free call? Sure! I can back up with my awesome backup camera guiding me into a nice shady spot. Got some crumbs on the floor? Just grab that vacuum attachment in the back! You bet your ass this is a sweet sweet ride!

Yup. I’m an idiot.


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