A new year, a new me? Nah… just a slightly improved me. Because Momma ain’t got time for that.

I don’t do resolutions. Well, I don’t do them anymore. And when I did do them, and for many many adult years, I always had the same resolutions, which had to do with losing weight and being healthier. And guess what? Resolutions don’t make a difference. Timing, commitment, motivation, they all have to be there. And for me, January 1 was never the day that was going to happen. And as much as I’d like to be back to my high school weight, which was never skinny, now is not the time for me. I forget to eat during the day, I use lightly caffeinated beverages (aka a small coke) to stave off a headache, I finish cold bowls of Mac and cheese during nap time, and worst of all, I wait until late in the evening (when my husband comes home) to eat dinner. And at that point, both of us are too exhausted (and this time of year, too cold) to sit at the dining room table to eat. So during the week we eat dinner sitting on the couch.

Unless you have a medical condition that tells you otherwise, it is scientifically easy to lose weight. Eat less, do more. Having the motivation and willpower to do so are the hard parts. The really really hard parts. I have PCOS, but having been able to lose weight in the past, I know that if it is a hindrance it is only a minor one. And I’m not using my kids as an excuse because that’s total bullshit. Because right now I could be outside pushing them all in the stroller instead of relishing this ten minutes while they all play quietly. When they all nap right after eating lunch I could be cooking myself a nice healthy meal instead of curling up on the couch and checking out Pinterest. I’m not motivated right now, and that’s okay. I don’t want to spend all my days with headaches because my blood sugar has dropped after not eating enough. And I don’t want to spend ridiculous amounts of time bundling up the girls to go out walking while we all freeze our nards off.

I’ve fluctuated a lot. The first time it got bad was in the years directly following my mom’s death. A month after she died I graduated high school, and a few months later, moved away to school. Two years later I transferred to a school I could commute to and by the end of my bachelors I was fifty pounds heavier. Working full-time (in hours) and going to school full-time did not help. But I could’ve packed a lunch. I didn’t. I just ate crap.

Two months on Atkins and I lost forty pounds. And then it all came back as is often the case with any type of fad diet.

It wasn’t until I had a steady full-time (day-time) job that I became committed. My sister, whom I lived with at the time, and I focused on eating less by counting calories. She dropped to pretty much a 0, and I dropped to a size 8/10, the smallest I had ever been. I started playing ice hockey again, and softball, and started biking. When I met my husband I was in my fourth year of teaching, playing in two sports leagues and biking 75 miles a week. I felt amazing. This was my healthiest. And someday, I would like to be back at this level of activity.

Then one night at hockey practice I ended up with a concussion. The hit was so hard that when I went backwards landing on my head, the two screws holding the cage on the front of my helmet both fell out onto the ice. Then, closing a window in my classroom the following spring, the top of the window came out of the track and fell down, hitting me in the head. To this day, watching television or being on the computer for any length of time is a struggle. Not too long after that, I had surgery on my arm to move my ulnar nerve out of my elbow. Two months later I was married, six months later we bought a house and just a few months after that, we found out that I was pregnant. And it was like, BAM, I’m a damn adult now.

A course of meds I was on in the spring caused a lovely 20lb increase so that when I got pregnant with Evie I was at my heaviest. So dropping the 32lbs of pregnancy weight within six weeks of having her was really only noticeable to me. It was super exciting and incredibly motivating. And then I got pregnant with the twins, and gained that 32lbs back. Since then I’ve only been able to shed about 20 of that weight. And that second pregnancy sure did a doozy on the shape of my body.

I know that at some point, when the babies are older, when I’m 100% sure I’m done with babies, when I have a more normal schedule, and when I’m sleeping through the night every night, losing weight will become a priority. Right now, I’m striving to make the little changes that will help me become healthier, starting with eating more vegetables (and less starches) and drinking seltzer instead of soda. These are my goals for the present. Small, but manageable given my current situation. Even more important to me than my desire to lose weight is to set a better example for my girls. I won’t do that by being miserable and/or starving myself. So the plan is to take it slow. This summer we have committed to once a week on the bike trail. We have a two-baby trailer for the twins that I will attach to my bike and Mike will walk with Evie. And I’m looking forward to the twins learning to walk this spring so we can spend all morning in our shaded backyard playing in the sand box, with the water table, and with the climbing dome that we are saving for.

It’s not much, but it’s something. And I’m perfectly okay with that.

Plus, if I lose a bunch of weight I would need to replace my wardrobe… and I know we don’t have the money for that! 🙂


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