50 Shades of… I could fart a better plot and characters than this…

I remember fellow teachers at my Catholic school whispering about Fifty Shades of Grey when all the hype started. I didn’t understand it. I fought the hype as best I could. Then I borrowed someone’s copy. 

I made it three pages in. As an actual intelligent human being with a background in English literature and writing, this book was the epitome of crap. In those three pages, so many cardinal rules of first person fiction were broken. The writing was awful. Now, to be fair, had I managed to make it past the beginning I’m sure I would have been entertained. I mean I was entertained by Twilight too, that doesn’t mean I liked the characters or felt that it was well written. But I just couldn’t do it. 

So why, do you ask, am I writing about 50 Shades of Grey?

Well, a couple of weeks ago I binge-watched The Fall on Netflix. Despite playing an incredibly creepy serial killer, by the end of the series, Jamie Dornan didn’t seem so bad. I think it was the accent. And the abs. And then I saw the trailer for the second 50 Shades movie. Aaaannnnnddd… well I figured I would check out the first movie.

I’m actually writing this as the movie is playing. And I’m thinking that if this movie is true to the book in terms of the dialogue and character then the book must be worse than I imagined. 

Were Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson that desperate for work? I mean they both seem like intelligent people… they read this script and thought, ‘hey, this is a great idea! Let’s do some porn for mainstream movie theaters!’? It’s a lot of exposure, (she said, tongue in cheek 😂) but there must have been more worthy pursuits.

I’m guessing I’m about halfway through the movie at this point and I still haven’t figured out the whole point. Is this just about this sadist whose momma was a crack-whore controlling a lip-biting cliche, I mean, English major? Is this supposed to be about how she changes him? Turns him into someone who can love? 

I shouldn’t be cruel. This is probably just EL James’s most erotic dream all fleshed out into a book. I’m sure she never meant it to blow up into this empire of mommy porn. 

I’m going to power through this movie. I mean I have nothing else to watch while I fold these four loads of laundry. And entertainment is entertainment. It can just exist as it is without any more commentary from me. 

Besides, Jamie Dornan. With his little bum like two hams. 

This movie isn’t all bad, I guess. 



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